Hey, Sis!

Why do you like to see yourself fail? Picturing the worst-case scenario first might seem logical because you think you're preparing yourself to “not be disappointed,” but NO! You’re training your mind to accept failure, defeat, and unhappiness. If you need to see the possibilities before you take action, why would you start by envisioning the worst-case scenario? That's a setup, sis.

Let’s dive into the topic of self-sabotage and think through this together.

Understanding Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotage shows up in sneaky ways like procrastination, perfectionism, negative self-talk, and self-medication. These behaviors often stem from deep-rooted fears and past BS that you never dealt with. Self-sabotage is like that bestie who loves to reminisce about the old days but only the good parts that bring nostalgia. When your old bestie sees you doing new things, they nudge you back toward your comfort zone. In essence, self-sabotage keeps you stuck in your comfort zone, preventing growth and progress. Let's look at some examples:

You have your eye set on a promotion at work. It will mean more money but also more responsibility. You might have to be client-facing, wear more formal outfits, and adjust your current schedule to acquire new skills… All this leaves less time for your old bestie.

Here comes the setup: Bestie points out that your favorite artist is performing at MGM this weekend, and tickets are cheap. But she is coming over tonight because Dark Matter Season 2 just dropped on AppleTV, and you think it’s the perfect time to retwist your locs because you obviously need to look your best at your interview and the concert, right? WRONG. You are procrastinating!

You know that skill acquisition is probably the best activity to propel you toward that promotion. So why not just do the thing? Maybe because you (or your internal bestie) don’t really want the added responsibility, workload, or wardrobe change. It’s different, and different is scary and out of our comfort zone. WHAT IF… your boss denies you the promotion?? OMG, we can’t handle that, so off to the concert we go. We don’t get the promotion because we didn’t work towards achieving it, figuring it was no point because our worst-case scenario said we wouldn’t get the position anyway. No harm, no foul, right? WRONG! That is avoidance!

Self-sabotage is a complex issue, but recognizing it is the first step towards overcoming it.

Celebrity Self-Sabotage

Think about Lindsay Lohan or even Charlie Sheen. Despite her early success in Hollywood, Lindsay's struggles with substance abuse and legal issues derailed her career multiple times. Her actions were often seen as a way of coping with immense pressure and personal challenges. Similarly, Charlie Sheen's highly publicized downfall caused him to act out, costing him his leading role in the hit TV show "Two and a Half Men." These cases show how self-sabotage can take even the brightest stars off course.

These celebrity examples highlight that self-sabotage can affect anyone, regardless of their level of success.

Self-Sabotage IRL

• Missed Opportunities Due to Anxiety: Many individuals miss out on life-changing opportunities because of anxiety and fear. For example, a talented musician might repeatedly cancel auditions or performances due to stage fright, thereby sabotaging their chance to shine.

• Deliberate Professional Setbacks: Some people actively sabotage their professional progress by engaging in destructive behaviors like getting drunk before important meetings or missing deadlines on purpose. This behavior can be driven by a fear of success and the changes it brings (Verywell Mind).

In real life, self-sabotage can manifest in various ways, often linked to anxiety and fear of change.

Identifying the Triggers

The first step in overcoming self-sabotage is to recognize the patterns and triggers. Take time to reflect on your actions and thoughts. Are there specific situations where you tend to procrastinate or set unrealistically high standards? Do your thoughts drive you toward victory or defeat? Sometimes a fixed mindset will sabotage your success.

Whenever I start to think of alternatives to doing something I don’t feel like doing, I just do it. That opportunity to negotiate is a setup for self-sabotage. Just doing the thing will train your brain that you do what you need to do, whether you feel like it or not. For all the moms out there, this is the equivalent to “because I said so.” No explanation necessary, just get it done. Negotiation triggers my procrastination, so if I nip that in the bud early, I'm less likely to procrastinate.

By identifying your triggers, you can better understand the fears and beliefs driving your behavior. (Psychology Today).

Practical Steps to Stop Self-Sabotaging

1. Know Yourself: Self-awareness is crucial. Reflect on your behaviors and emotions to identify patterns of self-sabotage. For instance, if you find yourself procrastinating on important tasks, explore the fears or beliefs that might be causing this (Leaders.com).

2. Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness helps you stay present and aware of your thoughts and actions without judgment. This practice can reveal triggers and habitual responses, allowing you to choose more constructive behaviors (Psychology Today).

3. Embrace Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend. Acknowledge your mistakes and setbacks without harsh self-criticism. Self-compassion fosters resilience and helps you bounce back from failures (Psychology Today).

4. Set Realistic Goals: Break down your larger goals into smaller, manageable steps. This approach reduces overwhelm and allows you to celebrate small victories along the way. For example, instead of aiming to lose a significant amount of weight quickly, focus on making healthier choices daily (Leaders.com).

5. Reframe Negative Thoughts: Challenge and reframe negative thoughts that lead to self-sabotage. For instance, if you catch yourself thinking, "I can't do this," replace it with, "I will give it my best shot." This shift in mindset can transform your approach to challenges (Psychology Today).

6. Get Comfortable with Failure: Fear of failure often underpins self-sabotage. Embrace failure as a learning opportunity rather than a setback. Understand that mistakes are a natural part of growth and can provide valuable lessons for future success (Psychology Today).

Conclusion

Overcoming self-sabotage is a journey of self-discovery and growth. By recognizing your patterns, practicing mindfulness and self-compassion, setting realistic goals, reframing negative thoughts, and embracing failure, you can break free from the cycle of self-sabotage. Remember, every thought and action shapes your reality, so choose thoughts that empower and uplift you.

By taking these steps, you can transform your mindset and actions, leading to a more empowered and fulfilling life.

Conclusion

Overcoming self-sabotage is a journey of self-awareness, challenging negative thoughts, and taking consistent action. Because I even had the thought to host the game, I knew I needed to do it, despite my introverted comfort zone. When you have a thought that contradicts your normal actions, there is a reason for it. I was excited by something that used to terrify me. By the end of the night, I saw all the smiles and laughter I had been visualizing days before.

If I can transform my shyness into empowerment, so can you. Embrace the journey, and celebrate your wins.